If you’re reading this you obviously know of the enormous threat of Gaymageddon. It seems that letting gay people get married is getting to be more and more popular. And obviously, as this happens, the very fabric of our nation will slowly unravel and we will sink into becoming a depraved and lawless nation as a result of allowing these committed relationships between consenting adults that some people don’t approve of. Well, I hate to break it to you, but I’m a gay. And I’m here to tell you, Gaymageddon is real. But I’m a compassionate heathen, and you seem pretty cool, so I’m going to give you a list of what you will need to survive this great assault on your peers’ comfort level.

I don’t think I have to tell you that Gaymageddon will be just as unnerving as you can imagine, but in a completely different way. Here are the ten tips, call them commandments if you’d like, to surviving and making the transition to a gay-ruled world.

First, you straight people seem most worried about your marriages for some reason. But really, unless you or your spouse is gay, then gay marriage really is less of a threat to you than other straight marriages, if you think about it. So just chill on that one.

Second, you’ll need a handivac. There will be glitter everywhere.

Third, you are not going out in that belt with those shoes during Gaymageddon. It will only draw attention to the fact that you are NOT gay. Before you know it, everything in your wardrobe will be taken, perfectly fitted and matched, pressed, folded, and returned to your newly remodeled and organized closet. And that will be the end of all of your pleated dress pants. Just let them go. Don’t argue it or they will confiscate your baggy carpenter pants too.

Fourth, get used to techno music. You’ll be hearing a lot of it. Don’t worry. It’s actually kinda catchy and uplifting.

Fifth, if you hear Gaymageddon will start at 8am… sleep in. It’ll be at least 11am before things get started.

Sixth, become very familiar with hair care and styling products. The knowledge will come in handy when forced to make small talk with one of your new overlords. If you are especially proficient, it might also impress them and convince them to preserve your straight marriage.

Seventh, don’t be surprised if it becomes mandatory to sing everything instead of speaking since we all know that once the gays take over, everything will be a musical. You might want to practice a little so you won’t embarrass yourself too much.

Eighth, after Gaymageddon, when gays can legally marry, you may see gay couples all over the place together. Just like you see them now. Only they’ll be married. Horrifying, I know.

Ninth, please understand you may be required to get a new haircut. And highlights. Definitely highlights. I didn’t want to say anything, but, yeah…

Tenth (and final) commandment: If you stand in your front yard waving a giant rainbow flag yelling “I love gay people” extremely loudly while wearing only a sequined silver thong, there’s a good chance you’ll be spared. Just try it and see. Especially if you are really really afraid that allowing gays to marriage will destroy straight marriage. Then, you’re definitely going to need to do this.

I hope this helps. I know it’s a scary time. Gaymageddon will soon be upon us and a very fashionable army of people wanting equal rights will soon descend upon us surely destroying the very institution of marriage. So unchanged over time except that the wives used to be property being exchanged for money or status or goats or something. But other than that, the definition of marriage has never changed. Except when they started allowing divorces. But other than that, it’s totally the same. Letting gay people enter into legally protected committed relationships can surely only lead to the downfall of the morality of our very civilization. It’s only a matter of time. But at least the end will be fabulous.

America has a serious problem The sanctity of one of our most beloved items of clothing, the sweater vest, is in peril. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Why should I care, you ask, about the fate of sweater vests? Why should it matter to me if Santorum is all up in them? Well, let’s examine that question. Come with me, if you will, on a walk through all that is fabulous about the sweater vest. You decide if it deserves a fate of Santorum.

First, if you haven’t already, google “Santorum.”

Second, sweater vests are an American icon. They’ve been around forever. Their casual, comfortable style is a reflection of our country’s very attitude. Do we want Santorum to be the reflection of our country’s attitude?

Third, sweater vests look good on everyone. Everyone except Rick Santorum.

Fourth, we all know it starts with the sweater vest. But before you know it, it’s corduroy pants. Then what? Tweed? Argyle? Where will the madness end?

Fifth, it causes me physical and emotional pain to see Santorum in a sweater vest. That poor innocent sweater vest… I can’t be the only one.

Finally, I’m pretty sure God’s plan does not include Rick Santorum ever wearing a sweater vest. He may have flooded the whole world but he’d never do this to us. It’s just too extreme.

This is why I’ve started a petition. Tell Rick Santorum to Stop Wearing Sweater Vests NOW!

http://www.change.org/petitions/republican-candidate-for-president-of-the-united-states-stop-wearing-sweater-vests-now

My only hope is that we can act in time. I fear there’s not enough Spray N Wash in the world to get Santorum out of a sweater vest once it sets.

Thank you for your time,

A concerned American

IT’S EASY.

IT FREES UP YOUR OVEN FOR ALL THE OTHER CRAP YOU HAVE TO COOK.

AND, IF YOU PAY ATTENTION, YOU WILL BE REWARDED WITH A TURKEY THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS:

WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

-a turkey

-a round Smokey Joe style charcoal grill

-match light charcoal and regular charcoal

-a lighter and lighter fluid

-3-4 hours of time

-your choice of beverage- let’s go with boxed wine for this demonstration to make more room in the fridge for leftovers.

STEP 1: Pour a glass of wine.

Prepare the turkey to your liking. Stuff it/slather it with whatever you choose. Do this first. Once you get the fire going, you don’t want to be messing with the turkey at the same time… and then have your coals get cool because you didn’t have your bird ready.

STEP 2: Have some more wine.

Place a drip pan on the bottom rack of the grill.

Arrange 20 match light briquettes on each side of the pan.  Soak in lighter fluid for easier lighting. See picture below:

STEP 3: Light each pile of briquettes.

Drink your wine while you wait for the flame to quiet down and the briquettes begin to turn red and grey.

Add 9 briquettes to each side and when it looks like this you are ready to put the turkey on the grill:

STEP 4: Place the top rack on the grill once the coals are ready:

Cover the wings with foil to prevent burning and bring out the bird. It is time to cook your Thanksgiving turkey!

Place the turkey on the top rack of the grill.

Cover with lid, vent the top, and wait 1 HOUR.

DO NOT PEEK at the turkey once it is covered.

REPEAT: DO NOT TAKE THE COVER OFF THE GRILL UNTIL IT HAS BEEN 1 HOUR. Or you’ll blow it.

Enjoy your wine for 1 hour.

STEP 5: Remove cover, and quickly add 9 regular (not match light- unless you need them) briquettes to each side of drip pan. Your coals should be an awesome mixture of grey and orange. You want them to be hot but not in flames.

This is what your turkey should look like at this time, after one hour.

Briefly wonder in amazement at how easy this is. (You don’t want to leave the cover off for a long time)

Place lid back on grill. Leave it alone for another hour. Again, DO NOT PEEK.

Drink more wine.

STEP 6: Remove the grill cover after 1 hour, quickly add 9 more briquettes to each side of the drip pan.

This is what your turkey should look like at this time- 2 hours in.

Marvel yet again at your fabulous turkey. But remember, do it quickly.

And notice the fabulous juices collecting in the pan beneath.

Place lid back on grill. Leave it alone for another hour. Again, DO NOT PEEK.

Drink more wine. Set a timer. You’ve had a lot of wine by now.

Step 7: Remove the grill cover after 1 hour, add 9 more briquettes to each side of the drip pan.

It’s been 3 hours now, so your turkey may be ready. Keep an eye on the little poppy button thing if you have one. Otherwise, you’ll need to rely on a meat thermometer- you’re going for 165 degrees: This is what my 14# bird looked like 3 hours in:

(My coals are flaming because I added match light coals when I should have added regular coals. Live and learn.)

Marvel at your fabulous turkey.

If your turkey isn’t quite ready, that’s ok. Neither was mine. And the larger the bird, the longer it will take.

Step 8: Have some more wine.

Add 9 more briquettes to each side. Replace lid.

Start checking every 30 minutes. Only remove the cover long enough to check the popper or the thermometer.

The time will pass quickly because you are probably intoxicated. Pay attention. You don’t want to blow it now.

Step 9: Once the button has popped or you have achieved 165 degrees, you are ready to remove the turkey from the grill.

This part is tricky. It’s heavy. And hot.

You don’t want to drop it on the ground after all this. Or burn yourself. That would suck.

You might want to get someone who’s a bit more sober to do this part.

Bring it in the house with much deserved fanfare. I like to play “We are the Champions”

Your magnificent turkey should look like this:

STEP 10: Don’t forget about the pan of drippings. This is liquid gold. Carefully bring it inside as well. Remember, it’s hot too.

These drippings are the base for your gravy. Mixed with giblets, flour and a little liquid smoke, it’s like crack but in a good way.

Step 11: Cover the turkey with foil and let it rest for 30 minutes.

Cover the grill and close the vents to extinguish the fire. Allow the grill to cool.

Drink more wine.

Step 12: Get someone who has had less to drink to carve the turkey. And enjoy!

Step 13: Toss the empty box of wine and put the leftovers in your fridge for later. Done and done!

Step 14: I lied, you’re not done. You still have to clean the grill so it will be ready for the next turkey you want to cook.

I promise, it’s worth it.

You ran for office by supporting gay marriage. So, lots of people believing in and hoping for equality voted for you.

Then you dicked around and pulled a no show on the marriage equality bill, thus killing the bill the senate had already passed. As an lgbt member of your community, that alone disgusted me beyond belief and prompted me to be sure everyone in your district knew your name and what you did.

And now, oh dear Tiffany, you are being accused of and indicted for using campaign funds (some donated by your lgbt supporters) for your own wedding. This new information brings forth a few emotions and thoughts. Let me break them down:

1. Wow. Just wow.

2. How stupid are you? People do look into how campaign funds are spent.

3. You used constituents’ donations to your campaign (promising support for gay marriage) for your own wedding. And then you single-handedly killed the bill. That’s just gross. I mean that’s a real asshat move. And that’s putting it politely.

4. I have a renewed faith in the old saying “what goes around comes around.” For that I thank you.

Enjoy the publicity! It’s likely to be the last you get. I hope your short-lived political career characterized by denying some of your constituents the equality you promised was fulfilling. I won’t miss you.

Tiffany Alston indicted

2. First aid kit (with mandatory unicorn band-aids)

3. Flashlights and batteries (to locate the snacks in the kitchen)

4. Candles and matches (in case a Cialis moment strikes)

5. Cigarettes (so we don’t kill each other or in case of #4)

6. Xanax (for the dogs)

7. Chef boyardee, canned tuna, Nabisco choc chip cookies, and Pringles (you know, the staples)

8. Alcohol (lots of it- hey it’s not like I’m driving anywhere)

9. A cell phone charger for my phone & ipad (mustn’t lose Twitter)

10. A good book (that I’ll intend to read but likely will be too wound up to settle down with)

But I’m all stocked up and ready to go!
And wind is picking up. Looks like it’s almost go time.
According to weather.com it really arrives in 2 hours and gets to its worst in 10-12 hours.
I hope the Pringles and alcohol lasts.

You’re actually serious? I mean, really? REALLY?

Fucking really? For reals?

I mean you don’t really mean… really?…

But seriously, really? Really? REEEEALLY???

OK…

PS

Really?…

1988: Jim Bakker- televangelist who had an affair and then used donations to pay off his mistress

1991: Clarence Thomas- allegations by Anita Hill of discussions of pornography and pubic hair

1993: Senator Bob Packwood- (love the name)- accused by 10 women of sexual harassment/misconduct

throughout the 90′s: Newt Gingrich- where to begin
divorced first wife while recovering from cancer
cheated on 2nd wife with future 3rd wife while publicly criticizing Clinton

1993: Ken Calvert- police caught him receiving oral sex from a prostitute
condemned Clinton’s affair
wife sued him for unpaid alimony

1998: Helen Chenoweth- had 6 year affair with a married associate
while calling for Clinton’s resignation on moral grounds

2003: Stephen White- arrested after allegedly offering a 14 year old boy $20 for oral sex

2004: Paul Crouch- televangelist who paid $425,000 to try to cover up a gay affair

2004: Jack Ryan- pressured wife to visit sex clubs, have sex with other men while others watched

2004: Ed Schrock- caught on tape soliciting gay sex

2005: “Dr” David Hager- adultery and sexual abuse of his wife
member of Focus on the Family’s Physician Resource Council

2005: Don Sherwood- had an affair with a woman 30 years younger who charged him with physical abuse

2006: Mark Foley- sexual harassment of teenage male congressional pages
he said it was ok because no one objected

2006: Ted Haggard- ousted as pastor after allegations of encounters with a male prostitute and drugs

2007: David Vitter- soliciting prostitutes and allegedly having a diaper fetish
sidenote: co-sponsored the “Marriage Protection Amendment” with Larry Craig

2007: Larry Craig- arrested for attempting to solicit sex in an airport men’s room with a cop

2007: Robert Allen- arrested for solicitation of a male prostitute who was an undercover cop

2007: John Bryan- committed suicide after police began investigation for molestation of 3 girls
2 of those girls were his adopted daughters

2007: Richard Curtis- resigned after public reports of relationship with male escort

2007: Chip Pickering- alleged extra-marital affair

2008: Bruce Barclay- secretly videoed hundreds of sexual encounters- many with male escorts

2008: Vito Fossella- admitted to police of having a child out of wedlock

2008: Robert McKee- resigned after computers seized in child pornography investigation

2008: Daniel Dean Thompson- arrested for sexual abuse of a 14 year old girl

2009: Mark Sanford- went MIA as governor while hiking the Appalachian trail with his mistress
oh, it was Father’s Day weekend

2009: Mark Ensign- had affair with campaign treasurer- gave her son a job
and his parents paid her family nearly $100,000

2009: Mike Duvall- resigned after video of comments about women he’d slept with while married

2009: Paul Stanley- resigned after affair with 22 year old intern

2010: Pete Sessions attended a NRCC fundraiser at a strip club

2011: Christopher Lee- showed off his hot bod with an iphone mirror pic in a Craigslist personals ad

Now I know this is not a complete list. Sadly, I left off MANY names that were associated with child pornography, rape, and even murder. And I know I only named GOP scandals. But the GOP are the ones who RUN on a platform of family values and decry the marriage destroying evils of gay marriage. So I’ve listed the hypocrites, if you will… as they are the ones claiming to be standing for the sanctity of marriage, all the while, apparently, just shitting all over it.

So, if we’re going to protect marriage, it seems to me we should protect it from people like this.
Just saying.

Dear DNCC,

I am a progressive. I will vote because I keep myself informed and I understand the importance of this election. Many people in this country, however, do not.

I don’t understand why you aren’t bombarding the general public with ads about the health care bill. Are you afraid there’s not a favorable opinion? You may be right. But that’s only because you have allowed the Republican party to lie, fearmonger, and contort the facts. In fact, every time people learn more about what the bill is actually doing, its favorability goes UP in the polls. Isn’t this your job? Isn’t it your responsiblity to inform and educate the public? Isn’t it in your best interest as well?

In case you just don’t know how to do it, let me offer you some suggestions. First, use real Americans in the ads- one on one to the camera. Don’t use politicians. Let them tell their stories… real, actual, true stories about how the changes in the health care laws will affect their families. Find the person whose infant with a chronic illness will now be protected from denial of coverage. Find the college students who can now be covered on their parents’ policies until they are 26. Find the parents of a child with a lifelong illness that requires constant and expensive treatments to manage, who will now be able to receive those treatments without annual or lifetime caps… I can give you a name if you need someone. It’s really not that difficult.

Why are you not only NOT running on your accomplishments, but running away from them? Why are you letting the republicans run the conversation with lies and distortions? You need to take charge and start telling the truth. Talk about the health care bill. Scared of the republican rhetoric? Remind people that they said the same things about social security and medicare (socialism, government takeover, blah blah blah). Ironically, now, these are the same programs that people now hold dear. And, thanks to republican policies, they are also for many people the only source of income for our senior citizens. Remind the country that your opponents would abolish the minimum wage, privatize veterans’ benefits and social security, and abolish the Department of Education. Show pictures of Republicans posing for photo ops with giant checks from the stimulus bill, taking credit for the positive results. And discuss the stimulus. Lay the FACTS out. Talk about what would have happened without it. Remind people that the new crop of Republicans, the “Tea-Party” (I have yet to find ONE that votes democratic) would outlaw a woman’s right to choose to terminate a pregnancy even if she is raped or a victim of incest. And as Lizz Winstead suggested on Twitter, show ads of the new work force that would be created if Republicans get their way in raising the retirement age to 70. And you could have a hefty slide show highlighting the hypocrisy of the party who wants to run on “family values” (read: anti-gay rights) with the plethora of extra-marital affairs, rentboys, hookers, teen pregnancies, gay scandals, and multiple divorces.

I GUARANTEE you that these same people touting signs about the evils of “Obamacare” will be waving signs in 20 years saying “Hands off my Obamacare”. You know it. I know it. Make your case so that the American public will realize it too. Stop being cowards. Stop letting the republicans call the shot in this debate. Stand behind what you’ve accomplished. The country is depending on you, whether they realize it or not.

I really think we should all reconsider calling anti abortion “activists” pro-life. How many of them are pro death penalty? How many of them hailed Dr. Tiller’s murderer as a hero? This isn’t about life. It’s about limiting women’s choices. They aren’t pro-life. They are anti-choice.

It’s this simple. They are so generously granting women one choice. If they chose to have sex, then they do not get to choose anything if they become pregnant. For the most part, they believe if a woman did not choose to have sex and was raped, then she does get a choice about any resulting pregnancy. And, if she might die as a result of the pregnancy, then she may have a choice. So women get one shot at having a choice. How nice of them.

In fact, as despicable as I think the position is, the only people that aren’t being hypocritical about their beliefs on abortion are the ones who oppose abortion no matter what. Of course, if they are pro-death penalty then they aren’t really “pro-life”. Plus, I don’t think they are all that honorable in their intentions. I think they are just against a woman’s choice. Period. They are shamelessly hiding behind some pretend moral smokescreen.

Only when the same people who demand equal rights for fetuses actually start being proponents for these same fetuses once they become people, instead of demonizing and turning their backs on them, will I even consider listening to them.