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Saint Paul- The Scariest City in the World This Week

OK. I’m white. I have blond hair and blue eyes and sun-thirsty pale skin. But Saint Paul is so white it scares me. Watching the Republican National Convention last night, I was amazed at the sea of whiteness ringing with religious zeal and saturated with smug overconfidence. Or blindness. I’m really not sure.

I’m truly amazed at how many times the same old white men can pat each other on the back for a job well done and not even begin to address the craptastic future that awaits my or my younger sister’s generation. And yes, I said smug. The democrats do not own sole rights to the use of that word any longer. The republicans have obviously embraced it and are trying to make it their own.

They say “Country First”. Right.
My first problem with that slogan is that what they really mean is their country first. Their crazy nostalgia for a time when America was great and equal rights were nonexistent. Their pocketbooks are fine. And if they aren’t, they are convinced that all they have to do is hoist the good old red, white, and blue, and all of their dreams will magically come true. Foreign nations will no longer despise us… Not that they seem to care that they do. And not that they realize their leaders are the reason why. Although I’m not sure how they could not understand that. But after listening to their utter bullshit and watching them preen and rest their laurels on the backs of men and families who risked or gave their lives defending this country, it’s quite clear that they don’t.
My second problem with that slogan is that they don’t mean it. I mean, really. Come on. They don’t put their country first. They put their idea of what the country should be first. It would be one thing if that idea included such words as equality, compassion, and love. But it doesn’t. It includes discrimination, inequality, and a pompous, hypocritical sense of entitlement to the ownership of the word “moral”. They don’t love America. You can’t love your country if you don’t love its citizens. They love an idea of what the country should be in their minds. And I don’t know about you, but many of their minds are scary dark places that I don’t want to know much more about. To quote Jon Stewart, “The republicans love America, they just hate half the people living in it.”
My third problem with that slogan is the implication that anyone who doesn’t vote republican doesn’t put their country first. Very clever. But again, utter bullshit. Anyone who’s all for the status-quo in really any aspect of our nation’s predicament right now is NOT putting their country first. They demand that abortion be made illegal but refuse to provide for the children and families already living in poverty in this country. They are morally offended by the idea of same sex marriage and proclaim that it will destroy the sanctity of marriage in this country. How sanctimonious is it to hop on a plane to Reno, toss back a half dozen shots of Jack Daniels, and grab the nearest hottie to go “tie the knot” because, hell, you’re in Vegas and why not? I mean, given the current divorce rate, you’ve got a 50/50 shot, right? That’s not too bad considering you didn’t even know her name a half hour ago when she was giving you and your married buddy a lap dance in the back room while his wife was at home back in Des Moines changing the diapers of his sacred little spawn all the while thinking how lucky she was that he was at that big business meeting trying to get a promotion so they can move out of the shithole apartment they live in, and maybe then she could quit her night job. I mean, come on. You don’t need the queers to fuck up your hetero-marriages. You’re doing that just fine on your own.

Really, the republicans amaze me with their resolve. They seem to not really care that our citizens were lied to about the reason we went to war… a war that republicans would have drag on for another century. They seem to not really care that billions of dollars are being spent on that lie and keep wanting to send our troops into harm’s way so that we don’t have to figure out other sources of energy and can keep the pockets of big oil nicely padded. They demand “country first” but don’t give us anything to present to the world to be proud of. Our President is a joke. Our Vice President is the devil. Our first lady is dumb as a box of rocks. Our Secretary of Defense is just along for the ride. We definitely have reason to fear terrorists. There’s a pretty good chance I’d hate America too right now if I were looking in from the outside. As it stands, I’m not. So I’m determined to help make this country a place I have reason to be proud of. A tall order after the last eight years, thank you very much W.

And who the hell is Sarah Palin? And what is Palin-mania? Women of America, are you stupid? OK, I’ll back up.. Clinton supporters of America who are now planning to vote for freaking McCain, WTF?!?! She stands for NOTHING that Clinton has spent her life working towards. NOTHING! She is polar opposite. We may as well just give her an honorary penis and call her a guy because there’s nothing that separates her from the aforementioned middle-aged white guys who are all of a sudden feminists for 2 months just so that they can get McCain in the White House. She lives in Alaska. Has she ever even seen a homeless person? I mean, really? Is it even remotely possible she could have any idea what is going on in the heart of this country? I mean if proximity is everything as FOX news would have you believe… (because according to FOX news, Sarah Palin will be invaluable in diplomatic relations with Russia because she lives in Alaska.. I’m not kidding.)… then she would have NO idea what it’s like for people who live in heavily populated large cities below the poverty level. I mean maybe she’d know what to do if she came across a moose that got hit by a car. But a drive by shooting? Gang violence? I don’t know anything about Alaska but I seriously doubt they have a problem with gang violence. It’s too fucking cold for anyone to spend time outside! No one wants to rumble when it’s 15 degrees outside. I’m counting down the seconds until her speech tonight. I can’t wait to find out how being a gun-toting, pro-life soccer (oh, excuse me, hockey) mom who got lucky in an election qualifies her to be the Vice President. Especially after seeing an interview with her 5 weeks ago in which she said she couldn’t consider the position until she knew what it was the the VP does. Really?!?! OMG.

Come on McCain. Just admit you picked her because she has a vagina and you and your party have FINALLY figured out how to use that to YOUR advantage, not America’s. Be honest about it. I’d at least have a little bit of respect for you then, but this is shameless. She would literally be a heartbeat away from the presidency. Listen Republicans. I have a vagina. And I’m ALL for women running the country. I think it would be a vast improvement over what you guys have been doing for the last couple hundred years. But you couldn’t find one woman with actual credible experience? Or one woman who actually has “feminist” views? Oh no! I used the “F” word. I hope you weren’t too offended and will keep reading this because I’m not done yet.

To Joe Lieberman- you’re a great big schmuck. Stop saying you’re a democrat. No self-respecting democrat would stand up there like you did last night and say they are voting for the man who didn’t even have the balls to pick YOU, the person he really wanted, sans vagina, for President because he was afraid his party wouldn’t like it. If that doesn’t embody being a pussy (and I hate that word but it’s really the best one here), I don’t know what does. And I don’t want a pussy for a President. Are you a pussy, Mr. McCain? And Joe, I can’t even remember most of what you said because I spent most of your speech yelling things like “Are you fucking kidding me?” and “Shut the hell up you freaking moron!” at you on my TV. I just remember it was spineless, hypocritical, and an uncomfortable attempt at inappropriate humor.

Which brings me to my last point… What’s with the Republicans trying to crack jokes during their speeches? Guys, you suck at it. Stick to making the rest of the country feel like sub-par Americans and get votes with fear tactics. It’s what you do best. I hope Obama kickes your asses in November. I know I’m voting for him. At least he’s not a pussy.

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