I must admit that until Monday evening’s interview with Rachel Maddow, I had never heard of you. I wish I could still say that. I am a fairly informed person, so I was interested in finding out who you are and what you think. I was willing to forgive that you have written speeches for Bush, thinking to myself, “Well, someone has to do it because God knows he can’t do it himself.” I mean, really, that would just be a disaster. But you probably already know that, and better than most people.
As I only have a limited time on this planet, I was very disappointed to discover that every moment I spent listening to you was time I could never get back for something, really anything, else. By the end of the interview I realized that I had a few questions. I don’t expect you to ever take the time or consideration to answer me after seeing your behavior on national television, so this is really just an exercise for me and my sanity in the hopes that after writing it I can simply add your name to the list of WTFWTT (What The F*#$ Were They Thinking) and move on with my life. I mean, it’s a really long list at this point made up of a large portion of our current government’s administration, so you’re in, well…company. You’re in company.
Question #1: Exactly *why* were you a guest on that show? You spent pretty much the entire time being a total douche nozzle (which is, according to urbandictionary.com, “Someone who transcends common insults to the point that simply calling him a “jackass” or “douchebag” will no longer do. Much more offensive than simply calling someone a douchebag.”) Ms. Maddow was never even really able to ask you a question to establish *why* you were there. She had to spend the whole time trying to understand your bizarre hostility. And she did an excellent job of *not* just calling you a douche nozzle, because sir, that’s exactly what you were being.
Question #2: Again, why *were* you a guest on that show? I understand that you have different political views than the host, but that was actually your chance to state them intelligently. Instead, again, you were a total douche nozzle. It’s a pretty safe bet that most of Ms. Maddow’s viewers tend to lean to the left, so one would think you would at least be, um, not a total douche nozzle if you want any of them to listen to you and take you even remotely seriously. Whether you believe it or not in your little lizard brain, we liberals *are* capable of respectfully disagreeing. The key word there, though, is respectfully, even if only remotely, microscopically, a teeny-tiny bit. And since you felt it perfectly acceptable to be totally disrespectful in an interview on national television, I am quite purposefully not being as respectful in this e-mail as I might ordinarily be with someone with whom I disagree. Though admittedly I feel like I am being infinitely more respectful than you were.
Question #3: Just for clarity, why were *you* a guest on that show? I can only assume that Ms. Maddow had planned to ask you some actual questions relevant to current political developments but was unable to even get to those because she had to spend the entire time trying to figure out:
Question #4: Why were you a *guest* on that show? You made it quite clear (ironically, sarcastically) that you do not think sarcasm should be used in “grown-up” political discussions. I don’t know about you, but one of the first things I learned about being a “grown-up” is that you treat others, even those with which you disagree, with respect. And I’m sorry if you can’t see the place, nay need, for sarcasm at this particular point in our nation’s history, then, wow, just wow. The pundits don’t even have to spin it anymore. All they have to do is quote the politicians word for word. Again, you should know. You’ve written those words before.
Question #5: Just curious. Why were you a guest on “that show?” Would you go on The Daily Show, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, or The Colbert Report (forgive me, Stephen, for lumping you together with those lefties) and act like such an ass to those *men*? I sincerely doubt it. Let me explain it so that you can understand. I’m not saying you should be nicer to her because she’s a woman. And I fully recognize that since she’s a lesbian, your manhood is brought into question when you are in her midst. But just like pulling the girls’ hair in grade school didn’t make them like you, being a total douche nozzle, unprovoked BTW, on public TV won’t make you more of a man. It just makes you a total douche nozzle. And more to the point, if you think sarcasm is useless, why did you accept an invitation for an interview on a show that openly uses sarcasm to make many of its points? (And quite well I might add.) The only point that you made is that you are probably going to be one of Keith Olbermann’s “worst persons” tomorrow.
To close, I will be making it a priority over the next few days to find out everything I can about you. I will also be making sure that everyone I know has heard your name and knows what a douche nozzle that you, in the 5 minutes I saw of you, appear to be. And first impressions are everything.
Signed, extremely disturbed citizen