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Dick Cheney Eats Baby Kitten Hearts

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Ok, so maybe he doesn’t really eat baby kitten hearts. Maybe that was just my way of getting your attention. It worked, though. And can you be sure? I didn’t think so.

Look, there are only a few possible explanations for his incessant talking since leaving the White House… let me run them by you.

a) he’s on crack- ok, maybe not crack… but something pretty serious that’s got his sense of judgement all whacked. something that promotes mindless babbling… “meh…enhanced interrogation works.. meh.”

b) he’s trying to win a bet. he made a bet with someone that he could insult and criticize the Obama administration publically at least once a day for the entire first term. what could be so important as to warrant such a bet? maybe all that crack.

c) he truly believes that waterboarding isn’t torture and that enhanced interrogation works. who am I kidding. I just had to stick that one in there. I don’t believe it either.

d) he has some sort of rare personality or speech disorder that causes him to behave like an asshole on public tv. if this is the case, he deserves our sympathy. but i think he’s just an asshole who won’t shut up. or he’s on crack.

e) he is trying to single-handedly keep our journalists in paying jobs… sort of his way of helping out in an economic crisis. out of the kindness of his… oh wait.. then that can’t be it.

f) he lost all of his money when the stock market crashed, but rather than ask for help, he is trying to get sent to prison so that he will have food and shelter… and crack.

g) he truly thinks he is above, nay, the creator of, the law and that he can say anything he wants without consequence

h) he’s not thinking at all. he’s just a vindictive shell of a man who’s throwing away any chance of favorable rememberence in history for the chance to throw a jab at Obama and the democrats who kicked his shriveled ass out of the White House in a wheelchair.

i) everyone else is wrong. torture isn’t illegal if the president and vice president authorize it. and if he holds his repugnant, disrespectful sneer long enough, the world will agree.

j) there’s a bomb on the bus… and if Cheney stops talking for more than 60 seconds about how wrong the Obama administration is for restoring the Constitution, then everyone will die! (that’s the movie version)

Honestly, he might as well just go on National TV and say: “We tortured. What are you going to do, arrest me?”

Please, someone, arrest him. How many innocent kittens have to die so that he might feed?

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