Dear concerned tax paying citizens,
America has a serious problem The sanctity of one of our most beloved items of clothing, the sweater vest, is in peril. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Why should I care, you ask, about the fate of sweater vests? Why should it matter to me if Santorum is all up in them? Well, let’s examine that question. Come with me, if you will, on a walk through all that is fabulous about the sweater vest. You decide if it deserves a fate of Santorum.
First, if you haven’t already, google “Santorum.”
Second, sweater vests are an American icon. They’ve been around forever. Their casual, comfortable style is a reflection of our country’s very attitude. Do we want Santorum to be the reflection of our country’s attitude?
Third, sweater vests look good on everyone. Everyone except Rick Santorum.
Fourth, we all know it starts with the sweater vest. But before you know it, it’s corduroy pants. Then what? Tweed? Argyle? Where will the madness end?
Fifth, it causes me physical and emotional pain to see Santorum in a sweater vest. That poor innocent sweater vest… I can’t be the only one.
Finally, I’m pretty sure God’s plan does not include Rick Santorum ever wearing a sweater vest. He may have flooded the whole world but he’d never do this to us. It’s just too extreme.
This is why I’ve started a petition. Tell Rick Santorum to Stop Wearing Sweater Vests NOW!
My only hope is that we can act in time. I fear there’s not enough Spray N Wash in the world to get Santorum out of a sweater vest once it sets.
Thank you for your time,
A concerned American