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Dr Evil, I mean, Dick Cheney, to attend Inauguration in wheelchair.


Hey Dick, Kharma’s a bitch, ain’t it?

You know, Dick, when you’re moving that large, heavy safe of yours filled with orphaned kitten hearts or unicorn pelts or the tattered remains of mankind’s very soul, you really should bend with your knees. That shit’s heavy.

I’m a pretty compassionate person, but I dislike you so much that I don’t even feel bad for you. In fact I have a big smile on my face right now. I’m sure you’re not too uncomfortable. I’m sure you got some good pain killers and muscle relaxants. In fact, you’re probably snoozing as I write this, dreaming your dreams of the perfect world: a world in which you can kick a puppy, arrest a queer, toss him in Gitmo, and waterboard him to find out the location of the rebel alliance. Oh, wait, I’m confusing you with Darth Vader. Honest mistake.

So enjoy your drugs and dream your dreams while you can. And hope that our new President is a much kinder and more forgiving person than I. Because, believe me, if I were being sworn in as President tomorrow and using the slogan “Let’s Get to Work,” that would SO mean finding a prosecutor for your war crimes. As it stands now, all he has to do is stand aside while someone else does their job. And I think there are plenty of people who would love to get a crack at tossing you in prison. And I think they’d win old man.

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Star Wars analogies are always the bomb!

Mr. Olbermann and Ms. Maddow,

Just when I think I can’t love the two of you any more than I already do! You toss me Star Wars analogies! Oh thank you! Seriously. I know it’s pretty easy. Dick Cheney *is* Darth Vader. But it had been too long since I’d heard some good old fashioned Star Wars comparisons. You know what this means. We finally have our Luke! Obama is Luke! Which means that Cheney is really Obama’s father! OMG! But wait, we can’t stop there. Who is Leiberman? Hmmmm… How about Boba Fett? And did I miss it or do we still need a Yoda? So there are whispers of a Secretary of State Clinton. Whoa. I’ve never really thought of Hilary as Princess Leia, but I can work with that. I mean, Bill is kinda Han Solo-esque. Manly, charming, but not exactly thinking before he acts… Hm. This new administration blows the Star Wars nerdy analogies wide open. The sky’s the limit! I will have to revisit this.