If you’re reading this you obviously know of the enormous threat of Gaymageddon. It seems that letting gay people get married is getting to be more and more popular. And obviously, as this happens, the very fabric of our nation will slowly unravel and we will sink into becoming a depraved and lawless nation as a result of allowing these committed relationships between consenting adults that some people don’t approve of. Well, I hate to break it to you, but I’m a gay. And I’m here to tell you, Gaymageddon is real. But I’m a compassionate heathen, and you seem pretty cool, so I’m going to give you a list of what you will need to survive this great assault on your peers’ comfort level.
I don’t think I have to tell you that Gaymageddon will be just as unnerving as you can imagine, but in a completely different way. Here are the ten tips, call them commandments if you’d like, to surviving and making the transition to a gay-ruled world.
First, you straight people seem most worried about your marriages for some reason. But really, unless you or your spouse is gay, then gay marriage really is less of a threat to you than other straight marriages, if you think about it. So just chill on that one.
Second, you’ll need a handivac. There will be glitter everywhere.
Third, you are not going out in that belt with those shoes during Gaymageddon. It will only draw attention to the fact that you are NOT gay. Before you know it, everything in your wardrobe will be taken, perfectly fitted and matched, pressed, folded, and returned to your newly remodeled and organized closet. And that will be the end of all of your pleated dress pants. Just let them go. Don’t argue it or they will confiscate your baggy carpenter pants too.
Fourth, get used to techno music. You’ll be hearing a lot of it. Don’t worry. It’s actually kinda catchy and uplifting.
Fifth, if you hear Gaymageddon will start at 8am… sleep in. It’ll be at least 11am before things get started.
Sixth, become very familiar with hair care and styling products. The knowledge will come in handy when forced to make small talk with one of your new overlords. If you are especially proficient, it might also impress them and convince them to preserve your straight marriage.
Seventh, don’t be surprised if it becomes mandatory to sing everything instead of speaking since we all know that once the gays take over, everything will be a musical. You might want to practice a little so you won’t embarrass yourself too much.
Eighth, after Gaymageddon, when gays can legally marry, you may see gay couples all over the place together. Just like you see them now. Only they’ll be married. Horrifying, I know.
Ninth, please understand you may be required to get a new haircut. And highlights. Definitely highlights. I didn’t want to say anything, but, yeah…
Tenth (and final) commandment: If you stand in your front yard waving a giant rainbow flag yelling “I love gay people” extremely loudly while wearing only a sequined silver thong, there’s a good chance you’ll be spared. Just try it and see. Especially if you are really really afraid that allowing gays to marriage will destroy straight marriage. Then, you’re definitely going to need to do this.
I hope this helps. I know it’s a scary time. Gaymageddon will soon be upon us and a very fashionable army of people wanting equal rights will soon descend upon us surely destroying the very institution of marriage. So unchanged over time except that the wives used to be property being exchanged for money or status or goats or something. But other than that, the definition of marriage has never changed. Except when they started allowing divorces. But other than that, it’s totally the same. Letting gay people enter into legally protected committed relationships can surely only lead to the downfall of the morality of our very civilization. It’s only a matter of time. But at least the end will be fabulous.