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An actual church sign in the town where I was born today, May 9, 2012. Submitted without comment.

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I have a few words for the citizens of North Carolina who voted for Amendment 1:

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Making same sex marriage illegal doesn’t make our families go away.

Making same sex marriage illegal only makes us stronger in the ways you detest the most.

Making same sex marriage illegal only makes our children less safe.

Making same sex marriage illegal only means my spouse isn’t guaranteed the right to see me in the hospital.

Making same sex marriage illegal doesn’t make it wrong. It makes you wrong.

Making same sex marriage illegal doesn’t make our families go away. It just makes us love each other more.

Making same sex marriage illegal only makes us pay more taxes.

Making same sex marriage illegal will not protect your marriage unless one of you is gay.

Making same sex marriage illegal will not protect your marriage. You not lying and cheating will do that.

Making same sex marriage illegal only makes it so that an estranged family member can displace a widow from his/her home after the death of a long term partner.

Making same sex marriage illegal only means we have to pay attorneys for protections you get for free and take for granted.

Making same sex marriage illegal is really just a dick move.

So congratulations, North Carolina. The bigots can celebrate now, but you have just ensured that your state will be studied in history classes and children will be amazed that people ever thought like that.

Way to go, North Carolina.

You sure showed the gays.

And your ass.

Why Marriage Equality Matters. (Hint, it’s not about God)

Thank you National Gay and Lesbian Task Force for summing this up nicely.

Congratulations on Your Marriage!
To honor this special occasion, the US Government is happy to present to you:
-access to social security after spouse’s death
-the right to custody of children after divorce
-access to health insurance through spouse’s workplace
-visitation rights for non-biological children
-joint parenting rights, such as access to children’s school records
-bereavement leave after spouse’s death
-burial determination after spouse’s death
-domestic violence intervention
-sick leave to care for spouse or non-biological child
-legal validation of a long-term relationship
-ability to live in neighborhoods deemed “family only”
-access to life insurance in spouse’s workplace
-access to survivor benefits in case of emergency
-access to spouse’s crime victim’s recovery benefits
-ability to file wrongful death claims
-right to shared property, child support, or alimony after divorce
-ability to file joint home and auto insurance policies
-joint rental leases with automatic renewal rights if spouse dies or leaves
-access to adopting children
-automatic inheritance of shared assets after spouse’s death
-automatic exemption of property tax increases on shared assets gained after spouse’s death
-ability to file joint tax returns
-access to tax breaks for married couples
-veterans’ discounts based on spouse’s armed forces status
-assumption of spouse’s pension after death
-ability to file joint bankruptcy
-ability to collect unemployment benefits after leaving a job to relocate because of spouse’s job move
-ability to transfer property from one spouse to another without transfer tax consequences
-access to fostering children
-automatic next-of-kin status for emergency medical decisions and hospital visitation status
-immigration and residency priority for spouses from another country
-ability to invoke spousal privileges in a court of law
-access to reduced-rate memberships at health clubs, social clubs, organizations
-prison visitation rights

*reserved solely for unions that consist of one man and one woman.
See below for same-sex couples:

You get nothing.

You see, gays don’t want God’s approval. They just want the same benefits and protections straight people take for granted every single damn day. The churches can do what they want. Take away that list of benefits, people wouldn’t be so KEEN on getting married just to make a promise to God.

The federal government either needs to get OUT of the marriage sanctioning and reward business, or treat everyone equally.

This is NOT a valid argument:

But for some reason, these are the people being listened to by our federal government. That needs to change.

What You Will Need to Survive GAYMAGEDDON. (For my straight friends)

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If you’re reading this you obviously know of the enormous threat of Gaymageddon. It seems that letting gay people get married is getting to be more and more popular. And obviously, as this happens, the very fabric of our nation will slowly unravel and we will sink into becoming a depraved and lawless nation as a result of allowing these committed relationships between consenting adults that some people don’t approve of. Well, I hate to break it to you, but I’m a gay. And I’m here to tell you, Gaymageddon is real. But I’m a compassionate heathen, and you seem pretty cool, so I’m going to give you a list of what you will need to survive this great assault on your peers’ comfort level.

I don’t think I have to tell you that Gaymageddon will be just as unnerving as you can imagine, but in a completely different way. Here are the ten tips, call them commandments if you’d like, to surviving and making the transition to a gay-ruled world.

First, you straight people seem most worried about your marriages for some reason. But really, unless you or your spouse is gay, then gay marriage really is less of a threat to you than other straight marriages, if you think about it. So just chill on that one.

Second, you’ll need a handivac. There will be glitter everywhere.

Third, you are not going out in that belt with those shoes during Gaymageddon. It will only draw attention to the fact that you are NOT gay. Before you know it, everything in your wardrobe will be taken, perfectly fitted and matched, pressed, folded, and returned to your newly remodeled and organized closet. And that will be the end of all of your pleated dress pants. Just let them go. Don’t argue it or they will confiscate your baggy carpenter pants too.

Fourth, get used to techno music. You’ll be hearing a lot of it. Don’t worry. It’s actually kinda catchy and uplifting.

Fifth, if you hear Gaymageddon will start at 8am… sleep in. It’ll be at least 11am before things get started.

Sixth, become very familiar with hair care and styling products. The knowledge will come in handy when forced to make small talk with one of your new overlords. If you are especially proficient, it might also impress them and convince them to preserve your straight marriage.

Seventh, don’t be surprised if it becomes mandatory to sing everything instead of speaking since we all know that once the gays take over, everything will be a musical. You might want to practice a little so you won’t embarrass yourself too much.

Eighth, after Gaymageddon, when gays can legally marry, you may see gay couples all over the place together. Just like you see them now. Only they’ll be married. Horrifying, I know.

Ninth, please understand you may be required to get a new haircut. And highlights. Definitely highlights. I didn’t want to say anything, but, yeah…

Tenth (and final) commandment: If you stand in your front yard waving a giant rainbow flag yelling “I love gay people” extremely loudly while wearing only a sequined silver thong, there’s a good chance you’ll be spared. Just try it and see. Especially if you are really really afraid that allowing gays to marriage will destroy straight marriage. Then, you’re definitely going to need to do this.

I hope this helps. I know it’s a scary time. Gaymageddon will soon be upon us and a very fashionable army of people wanting equal rights will soon descend upon us surely destroying the very institution of marriage. So unchanged over time except that the wives used to be property being exchanged for money or status or goats or something. But other than that, the definition of marriage has never changed. Except when they started allowing divorces. But other than that, it’s totally the same. Letting gay people enter into legally protected committed relationships can surely only lead to the downfall of the morality of our very civilization. It’s only a matter of time. But at least the end will be fabulous.

Santorum’s Assault on the Sanctity of Sweater Vests

Dear concerned tax paying citizens,

America has a serious problem The sanctity of one of our most beloved items of clothing, the sweater vest, is in peril. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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Why should I care, you ask, about the fate of sweater vests? Why should it matter to me if Santorum is all up in them? Well, let’s examine that question. Come with me, if you will, on a walk through all that is fabulous about the sweater vest. You decide if it deserves a fate of Santorum.

First, if you haven’t already, google “Santorum.”

Second, sweater vests are an American icon. They’ve been around forever. Their casual, comfortable style is a reflection of our country’s very attitude. Do we want Santorum to be the reflection of our country’s attitude?

Third, sweater vests look good on everyone. Everyone except Rick Santorum.

Fourth, we all know it starts with the sweater vest. But before you know it, it’s corduroy pants. Then what? Tweed? Argyle? Where will the madness end?

Fifth, it causes me physical and emotional pain to see Santorum in a sweater vest. That poor innocent sweater vest… I can’t be the only one.

Finally, I’m pretty sure God’s plan does not include Rick Santorum ever wearing a sweater vest. He may have flooded the whole world but he’d never do this to us. It’s just too extreme.

This is why I’ve started a petition. Tell Rick Santorum to Stop Wearing Sweater Vests NOW!

http://www.change.org/petitions/republican-candidate-for-president-of-the-united-states-stop-wearing-sweater-vests-now

My only hope is that we can act in time. I fear there’s not enough Spray N Wash in the world to get Santorum out of a sweater vest once it sets.

Thank you for your time,

A concerned American

How to Grill a Thanksgiving Turkey Courtesy of Jody- You’re Welcome in Advance

WHY SMOKE A TURKEY ON A GRILL?

IT’S EASY.

IT FREES UP YOUR OVEN FOR ALL THE OTHER CRAP YOU HAVE TO COOK.

AND, IF YOU PAY ATTENTION, YOU WILL BE REWARDED WITH A TURKEY THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS:

WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

-a turkey

-a round Smokey Joe style charcoal grill

-match light charcoal and regular charcoal

-a lighter and lighter fluid

-3-4 hours of time

-your choice of beverage- let’s go with boxed wine for this demonstration to make more room in the fridge for leftovers.

STEP 1: Pour a glass of wine.

Prepare the turkey to your liking. Stuff it/slather it with whatever you choose. Do this first. Once you get the fire going, you don’t want to be messing with the turkey at the same time… and then have your coals get cool because you didn’t have your bird ready.

STEP 2: Have some more wine.

Place a drip pan on the bottom rack of the grill.

Arrange 20 match light briquettes on each side of the pan.  Soak in lighter fluid for easier lighting. See picture below:

STEP 3: Light each pile of briquettes.

Drink your wine while you wait for the flame to quiet down and the briquettes begin to turn red and grey.

Add 9 briquettes to each side and when it looks like this you are ready to put the turkey on the grill:

STEP 4: Place the top rack on the grill once the coals are ready:

Cover the wings with foil to prevent burning and bring out the bird. It is time to cook your Thanksgiving turkey!

Place the turkey on the top rack of the grill.

Cover with lid, vent the top, and wait 1 HOUR.

DO NOT PEEK at the turkey once it is covered.

REPEAT: DO NOT TAKE THE COVER OFF THE GRILL UNTIL IT HAS BEEN 1 HOUR. Or you’ll blow it.

Enjoy your wine for 1 hour.

STEP 5: Remove cover, and quickly add 9 regular (not match light- unless you need them) briquettes to each side of drip pan. Your coals should be an awesome mixture of grey and orange. You want them to be hot but not in flames.

This is what your turkey should look like at this time, after one hour.

Briefly wonder in amazement at how easy this is. (You don’t want to leave the cover off for a long time)

Place lid back on grill. Leave it alone for another hour. Again, DO NOT PEEK.

Drink more wine.

STEP 6: Remove the grill cover after 1 hour, quickly add 9 more briquettes to each side of the drip pan.

This is what your turkey should look like at this time- 2 hours in.

Marvel yet again at your fabulous turkey. But remember, do it quickly.

And notice the fabulous juices collecting in the pan beneath.

Place lid back on grill. Leave it alone for another hour. Again, DO NOT PEEK.

Drink more wine. Set a timer. You’ve had a lot of wine by now.

Step 7: Remove the grill cover after 1 hour, add 9 more briquettes to each side of the drip pan.

It’s been 3 hours now, so your turkey may be ready. Keep an eye on the little poppy button thing if you have one. Otherwise, you’ll need to rely on a meat thermometer- you’re going for 165 degrees: This is what my 14# bird looked like 3 hours in:

(My coals are flaming because I added match light coals when I should have added regular coals. Live and learn.)

Marvel at your fabulous turkey.

If your turkey isn’t quite ready, that’s ok. Neither was mine. And the larger the bird, the longer it will take.

Step 8: Have some more wine.

Add 9 more briquettes to each side. Replace lid.

Start checking every 30 minutes. Only remove the cover long enough to check the popper or the thermometer.

The time will pass quickly because you are probably intoxicated. Pay attention. You don’t want to blow it now.

Step 9: Once the button has popped or you have achieved 165 degrees, you are ready to remove the turkey from the grill.

This part is tricky. It’s heavy. And hot.

You don’t want to drop it on the ground after all this. Or burn yourself. That would suck.

You might want to get someone who’s a bit more sober to do this part.

Bring it in the house with much deserved fanfare. I like to play “We are the Champions”

Your magnificent turkey should look like this:

STEP 10: Don’t forget about the pan of drippings. This is liquid gold. Carefully bring it inside as well. Remember, it’s hot too.

These drippings are the base for your gravy. Mixed with giblets, flour and a little liquid smoke, it’s like crack but in a good way.

Step 11: Cover the turkey with foil and let it rest for 30 minutes.

Cover the grill and close the vents to extinguish the fire. Allow the grill to cool.

Drink more wine.

Step 12: Get someone who has had less to drink to carve the turkey. And enjoy!

Step 13: Toss the empty box of wine and put the leftovers in your fridge for later. Done and done!

Step 14: I lied, you’re not done. You still have to clean the grill so it will be ready for the next turkey you want to cook.

I promise, it’s worth it.

Tiffany Alston meet Karma

Tiffany Alston. Wow. You, madam have some balls.

You ran for office by supporting gay marriage. So, lots of people believing in and hoping for equality voted for you.

Then you dicked around and pulled a no show on the marriage equality bill, thus killing the bill the senate had already passed. As an lgbt member of your community, that alone disgusted me beyond belief and prompted me to be sure everyone in your district knew your name and what you did.

And now, oh dear Tiffany, you are being accused of and indicted for using campaign funds (some donated by your lgbt supporters) for your own wedding. This new information brings forth a few emotions and thoughts. Let me break them down:

1. Wow. Just wow.

2. How stupid are you? People do look into how campaign funds are spent.

3. You used constituents’ donations to your campaign (promising support for gay marriage) for your own wedding. And then you single-handedly killed the bill. That’s just gross. I mean that’s a real asshat move. And that’s putting it politely.

4. I have a renewed faith in the old saying “what goes around comes around.” For that I thank you.

Enjoy the publicity! It’s likely to be the last you get. I hope your short-lived political career characterized by denying some of your constituents the equality you promised was fulfilling. I won’t miss you.

Tiffany Alston indicted